Judging others
I’ve noted for quite some time now that I have a big tendency to judge other people negatively. I remember that I didn’t use to do this before the IIT (Intensive International Training) in Nonviolent communication and Vipassana meditation retreat in the summer/autum of 2003.
The judging thoughts are of this kind:
- I know more than these people. They don’t even know that they live in a society which is based on domination systems, where people are educated into believing that violence ’saves’ and is in fact inevitable.
- I am better than these people, because I pursue a path of enlightenment, of spirituality, of seeking something more about this world than meets the eye.
- These people are caught in their instinctive responses to things and don’t even know that, and they don’t even see their own strengths and weaknesses, whereas I seek to understand my own strengths and weaknesses, and possess knowledge that I don’t know everything about myself.
And many more similar to those. And most of these are not true. I myself am not sure how a domination system culture works, or if I and my fellow humans are trapped in one. I’m not better than others because I seek spirituality, or think that this world, as it is, is kinda boring. And I don’t always possess knowledge that I don’t know everything about myself, I sometimes get into the habit of thinking that I’ve reached the end of the road of self knowledge.
And it bothers me. It bothers me that my head is filled with such thoughts, because it alienates me from others. From that bothering I’ve developed a smouldering self hatred, because I don’t want to think I’ll of others. And now I find this self hatred as bothersome, because I don’t like myself hating myself, and hate myself for it! You see? It’s a carousell of negative thoughts! No good can come out of this, more than a realisation that I have to take the carousell into a spin in the other direction.
I’ve come to realise that this judging of others comes from my internal judging of myself, my self image. I’ve known for long that the way I relate to myself is the way I truly relate to other people. I may put a mask up when communicating with others, but in the heart of my hearts I judge them just as I judge myself. If, for some reason, I think that everything I do is pointless, then I also think that what everyone else does is pointless. And it’s from here the old adage comes: You can only love others if you love yourself.
I realised today that I’ve been working with my interaction towards others, in hope of alleviating this problem of judging others, but for the work to be really effective, I’ve got to direct it towards myself, my self image. Because otherwise I will only be working on my masks, what I show other people, not on my core values, my beliefs, which shape my reality.
So, what can be done? First, I can become aware of what my current self image looks like, and then I can go ahead to remake it by using NLP, or other similar methods, and also to install new affirmations which confirm a more positive self image.
The task I’ve set to myself is to make 5-10 affirmations which I can repeat until they become my reality, the way I look at myself. And that I will do tomorrow morning!
Technorati Tags: Nonviolent communication, NLP, Affirmation, Vipassana
Edward Aschan wrote,
I guess you just have to face it Mika; You are better than the others! And … uuhh … wait … that means that you’re better than me. Noooo!
It sounds to me as if you have too much free time on your hands to be able to spend it on thought. Share it with the rest of us mindless sheep.
But seriously I think you should find yourself a cause or something to occupy your time. Something where you can put some work into and see a discernable result. I find the we (humans that is), and especially me, find comfort, self esteem and self apperciating in realizing that we have accomplished something. We judge our worth in our accomplishments as well as in our interaction with others; most notably our friends, family etc. It doesn’t work for everybody; some are never satisfied, others can not see their own accomplishments, etc.
You might fall into the latter category but I don’t think so. You’ve done a lot for LBK and Aikido and you’re a very sociable person with a lot of friends who care about you. You may chalk it up to one of your masks but if so there is too much warmth shining through for it to be just a mask.
In short get over your mulling; look at how other people see you and you’ll notice that there isn’t much there to hate.
May 11th 2006 at 08:26 (8:26 am) — Using
Firefox 1.5.0.3 on 
Windows XP
Mika Perälä wrote,
Awwww! Thanks Edward!
I dunno, even when I’m busy I think a lot.
It’s one of the things I like about me, always trying to find new angels, new ways to attack old problems.
I tend to agree with ya. When I’m occupied with stuff to do, and preferrably am around people, like on aikido seminars, I feel good. And when I’m by myself for prolonged periods of time, I feel worse. And I dont like that either. I want to be able to enjoy both being alone and being with others. I’m afraid that Doing Things will become an escape for me, an escape from facing myself and my inner chaos.
But I can feel my masks moving. I’m much more interested in people getting a favorable picture of me, than I’m in how people feel or what they need. And I don’t like that either. I can feel that listening to others and being kind to others is just a strategy for me to get others to like me. And I many times think that is the real reason people like me, because I’ve fooled them into thinking I really care about them, when infact I care for how they perceive me.
It is scary for me to think about this, but it is the truth. Currently I care more for how people perceive me than I care for how they are…
May 12th 2006 at 00:18 (12:18 am) — Using
Firefox 1.5.0.3 on 
Windows XP
Caroline wrote,
From my experience the problem of being to concerned with what others think of you is a typical insecurity issue, and, as Edward has already pointed out, it’s not really something you have a problem with. You do give a good impression, so stop worrying.
It seems to me though that this whole reasoning just brings us back to one of the classics: in order to love someone else, you must first love yourself. So…start loving yourself!
May 12th 2006 at 09:02 (9:02 am) — Using
Firefox 1.5.0.3 on 
Windows XP
Mika Perälä wrote,
May 13th 2006 at 01:09 (1:09 am) — Using
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Windows XP
Edward Aschan wrote,
When you got it pinned down make sure it stays down. Combine one of your aikido joint locks to keep it down. Then resort to some old fashioned ultra violence so it doesn’t get up again.
May 13th 2006 at 13:23 (1:23 pm) — Using
Firefox 1.5.0.3 on 
Windows XP
Mika Perälä wrote,
May 16th 2006 at 01:31 (1:31 am) — Using
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Mari wrote,
People are stupid in general, I am better, spiritual path or not, and I do look down on most of them. Muhaha.
September 12th 2006 at 19:30 (7:30 pm) — Using
Internet Explorer 6.0 on 
Windows XP
Mika Perälä wrote,
As I see it that is a culturally designed way of thinking to give the people who are in power a way to manipulate us. And I don’t wish to be a meat puppet, so I have chosen the hard way: To free my thinking and try to go my own way, which is to be accepting of me and others
So I don’t judge someone looking down on people, but I’m afraid it may have consequences, like feeling alienated from most other humans, or apart of humanity itself.
September 22nd 2006 at 13:53 (1:53 pm) — Using
Firefox 1.5.0.7 on 
Windows XP
Mari wrote,
Absolutely! But again, I don’t mind not being a part of humanity in general. That doesn’t mean I’m not a part of society though, I too must eat, have a safe haven and even friends, *grin*, but I don’t do things just because “I should”, I do them if I see a valid reason to do them, or if I enjoy doing them. Valid reasons are of course determined by me and not any norms.
September 24th 2006 at 13:26 (1:26 pm) — Using
Internet Explorer 6.0 on 
Windows XP
Mika Perälä wrote,
Aah
Then I follow you! And am in agreement with that form of life 
September 24th 2006 at 21:52 (9:52 pm) — Using
Firefox 1.5.0.7 on 
Windows XP