So I don’t judge someone looking down on people, but I’m afraid it may have consequences, like feeling alienated from most other humans, or apart of humanity itself.

It seems to me though that this whole reasoning just brings us back to one of the classics: in order to love someone else, you must first love yourself. So…start loving yourself!

I dunno, even when I’m busy I think a lot. It’s one of the things I like about me, always trying to find new angels, new ways to attack old problems.

I tend to agree with ya. When I’m occupied with stuff to do, and preferrably am around people, like on aikido seminars, I feel good. And when I’m by myself for prolonged periods of time, I feel worse. And I dont like that either. I want to be able to enjoy both being alone and being with others. I’m afraid that Doing Things will become an escape for me, an escape from facing myself and my inner chaos.

But I can feel my masks moving. I’m much more interested in people getting a favorable picture of me, than I’m in how people feel or what they need. And I don’t like that either. I can feel that listening to others and being kind to others is just a strategy for me to get others to like me. And I many times think that is the real reason people like me, because I’ve fooled them into thinking I really care about them, when infact I care for how they perceive me.

It is scary for me to think about this, but it is the truth. Currently I care more for how people perceive me than I care for how they are…

It sounds to me as if you have too much free time on your hands to be able to spend it on thought. Share it with the rest of us mindless sheep.

But seriously I think you should find yourself a cause or something to occupy your time. Something where you can put some work into and see a discernable result. I find the we (humans that is), and especially me, find comfort, self esteem and self apperciating in realizing that we have accomplished something. We judge our worth in our accomplishments as well as in our interaction with others; most notably our friends, family etc. It doesn’t work for everybody; some are never satisfied, others can not see their own accomplishments, etc.

You might fall into the latter category but I don’t think so. You’ve done a lot for LBK and Aikido and you’re a very sociable person with a lot of friends who care about you. You may chalk it up to one of your masks but if so there is too much warmth shining through for it to be just a mask.

In short get over your mulling; look at how other people see you and you’ll notice that there isn’t much there to hate.