Impressing people
I’ve long known that I have a great need of acceptance from others, but until now I was not sure about the main strategy I use to try to gain this acceptance. Last week a friends friend said ‘I used to think I needed to impress people, but found it a lonely life, so now I try instead to be someone who is fun to be around‘.
At that moment I understood that what I have thought to be a separate need, to have the attention of others by impressing them, is actually a strategy for the need for acceptance. I try to get people to accept me by impressing them.
This does indeed result in a lonely life, since impressing is doing an act and waiting for a favourable response from the person I try to impress, which can lead me to do or say things that don’t resonate 100% with my core values. This means that I don’t openly share what is going on inside of me when I communicate with others, which leaves my needs of connection (of two people sharing what is going on inside them at that present moment), authenticity (to be true to my values and act upon them) and honesty, especially around people who I don’t know so well.
Note to self: There is nothing wrong with impressing people. They might be impressed by things I take for granted, like doing high falls in aikido. But using it as a strategy for gaining acceptance has it’s drawbacks since it leaves some of my needs unmet.
So the first part of changing this strategy is done, that is Becoming Aware Of It. The second part is Choosing Another Strategy that meets my need for acceptance and includes the needs for connection, authenticity and honesty.
One way is to further implement the belief that ‘My self value has nothing to do with how others view me, it is determined by how I view myself‘, which will lead to the need of acceptance to become less urgent.
I must say that I’m currently at a loss here, how to find a strategy or several strategies that will meet these needs. This must be why I haven’t replaced the impress-strategy yet, because I have not found another that is better…
So, if you have any ideas, toss them at me 
How do you get your needs of acceptance, connection, authenticity and honesty met in interaction with others?
Technorati Tags: Connection, Authenticity, Needs, Strategy, Acceptance
tiina wrote,
hi cuitpie!
I really would like to talk about this; what it is that gives us value and stuff like that
but it is hard to do on paper so please poke on me to get a meeting for us
June 7th 2006 at 14:16 (2:16 pm) — Using
Firefox 1.5.0.3 on 
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tiina wrote,
oh I can see now that my spelling and wordputting was not the best there
well well
June 7th 2006 at 16:30 (4:30 pm) — Using
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Mika Perälä wrote,
Hello sweetie!
Aye, I poked thee by mail! Let’s find a day in next week, when all the aikido is over. This week I’ll be training all 7 days. 
Mostly instructing though.
Bah! Spelling is for bees
June 8th 2006 at 00:09 (12:09 am) — Using
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Edward Aschan wrote,
“… when all the aikido is over.” OMG whatever will you be doing with your life after that? Karate?
Or perhaps kendo or iaido? 
How come aikido that aikido will end next week? And how do you know? Have you been reading “The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch”? What else do you know of the future?
Oh help me, I’m rambling, must be that all the copy’n'paste I’m doing is boring me. Have you ever had an Egyptian feast?
June 8th 2006 at 08:30 (8:30 am) — Using
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Edward Aschan wrote,
Oops, syntax is also important. The second paragraph should begin: “How come aikido will end next week?”
June 8th 2006 at 08:32 (8:32 am) — Using
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tiina wrote,
oh I see
but as I wrote in the mail it’s highly unlikely 
enjoy, enjoy and I’ll see you next week
if it not happens that I get kidnapped
June 8th 2006 at 08:35 (8:35 am) — Using
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Mika Perälä wrote,
Edward: Hehe! It will not end, as I put it, Oh you interpreter of the words the right way in the wrong sense!
We will go over to summer training schedule next week, which means a lot less aikido per week. That’s the end of aikido I was referring to :P And nope, never had an egyptian feast! How come you ask?
Tiina: Aye aye! I will reply to both your mails soon
June 9th 2006 at 12:51 (12:51 pm) — Using
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tiina wrote,
no preasure from me ya know
I rather wait for a mail written out of your will and wanting than just read any mail
take it when time is the most right (or right enough)
June 10th 2006 at 10:09 (10:09 am) — Using
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Mari wrote,
I’m not out to impress people (at least not by default), but I seem to get the same end result by not being able to help myself when people blurb out a lot of stuff that are wrong, illogical an non-informed.
But then again, I did say in an earlier comment that I despise most people, so it’s ok.
September 12th 2006 at 19:34 (7:34 pm) — Using
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Mika Perälä wrote,
Hehe
It’s lucky that both your ways complement each other! What if you were doing the first, but not despising people? That would perhaps be a hard nut to crack 
September 22nd 2006 at 13:56 (1:56 pm) — Using
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Mari wrote,
Impress people but not despise them? Or correct them and not despise them? Or just let them ramble on and not despise them? The latter would be the hardest to accomplish - but why would I? I don´t mind or suffer from it, it was worse before when I didn’t understand just how little people actually know in comparison to how much they say they know.
September 24th 2006 at 13:20 (1:20 pm) — Using
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Mika Perälä wrote,
Ooh, I realise I probably interpreted your text in another way than you meant it! You meant that you seem to impress people when you tell them what you think when someone blurts out something ill-informed or illogica?
September 24th 2006 at 21:51 (9:51 pm) — Using
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Mari wrote,
Well, sort of, but in the “I’m not going to confess to being impressed since she yook a shit all over me and I’m envious as well”-way.
Now I’m confused as well. I need more sleep. Should I give the kids suds with vodka on them to make them sleep longer?
September 26th 2006 at 22:49 (10:49 pm) — Using
Internet Explorer 6.0 on 
Windows XP